Someone reached out today and talked about how wonderful a kid Angelo was. I said, “I miss him so much.” I truly felt my heart pain when I said it. This world may be a great place to live but without Angelo I almost hate it. It’s like having a cold. You can’t smell or taste anything. In some instances you can’t feel anything. I guess this is what makes it so dangerous. If your senses are numb, you can harm your self by the intake of things too hot, too spicy, or too much. You can’t feel its effect. There is then no signal, no bell, no whistle,no circuit breaker, or no filter to guard you from too much. It’s easy to overeat, over indulge, drink too much, use and abuse others. It’s why I move slow and methodical. What seems like and cold is really me protecting others from the blast. No one deserves to be the rebound or the crash cymbal of my pain. It’s better to wear a sign that says, BEWARE EXPLOSIVE!! Still others try to fall in love with dynamite as if love will diffuse the bomb.
Everything seems bland. I almost don’t want to live in a world that doesn’t include him. A world that didn’t have room for him is a world that I cannot remain. My desire for him present tense is a call to reality from his past tense. I guess I will wake up today and swallow the luke warm glass of dung that is set out on the counter of life for me to swallow daily. It’s the pill that is expected of me to consume at every morning rising. This is that dark side of life that no one wants to embrace or even acknowledge that it exists. It’s real, it’s bitter and cold at the same time.
The challenge is not to become callous and not care. He is not here and it bothers me today. I tell myself the very same thing that I said when my two best friends and Al passed, I said, “Keep going, just keep going. I am so glad I have GOD in my life. Somehow GOD makes life make sense!!”