I woke up in some type of panic. Is it my struggle to breath while I’m sleep or is it just hot under all these covers? It remains a mystery. I carry out my normal 4am wakeup routine which includes a trip the kitchen for water and a bathroom break. This is the moment of my deepest thoughts sometimes. I wonder where your greatest moments of uninterrupted thought show up?
The scene is comprised of a visual and a feeling. I see myself walking forward in life and I am scared because I have no clue of my destination. I recognize I am passing new things and the discovery I must admit is sweet. The vehicle that is carrying me is moving quite quickly. I feel the speed of my days come and go. They are whisking by plus that word whisk feels good pronouncing.
Sometimes, I just wanna ask the bus driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a pause. The pace of life allows me the opportunity to be amazed at the new people and things showing up, but it refuses me the chance to enjoy any of it because we are always on our way to the next thing. It’s like picking up a beautiful vase in a store that catches your attention. By the time you get into really seeing the detailed colors painted on it, you hear the words, “put it down, we gotta go.”
Regardless of wonderful life is right now, I refuse to act like this is business as usual. “Dorothy we ain’t in Kansas no more,” are the words that come to my mind quite often.
I don’t care how consistent the new stuff and people seems to roll in, I will never let a day go by as if wonderful things were just suppose to play out the way they do. I look into the face of people that are on levels too high for me to mention. I hear conversations that clearly are above and beyond what I use to overhear momma and her girlfriend gossiping about. This is big level stuff. I try not to give my rookie status away as star struck, so I wait to quiet moments to jump up and down like a crazed groupie and ask myself did that really happen?
It’s going fast. Erika Badu had a song called, Window seat. I never really studied the lyrics but the visual of looking out that window and seeing things pass by quickly seem to describe how I feel.
That’s what I see, but this is the feeling. Rather my days move fast or slow, rather they are colorful, eventful, or boring, rather they involve several people or not, I feel as though everyday is a door passed through with no opportunity to go back and revisit. You turn the door handle, pass through the doorway, and the door closes behind you. When you look back, there is no door knob on your side of the door. You can’t go back. What does it feel like? It feels like bright eyed excitement and optimism looking forward at all of the great things coming your way, but at the same time having that feeling that says, “I’m tired of traveling and wanna just sit still and go no where today.” It’s the joy of visiting a new restaurant every night, but the internal feeling that says, “a bowl of fruit loops in my pajamas will do just fine.”
In my mind, I see my life moving forward. Behind every step of life I take, it feels like a giant pencil with an eraser is waiting. Every day I live and every moment experienced, the eraser rest upon it and removes it.
Well what does it look like? It looks and feels like riding on a bus while looking out the window. I am seeing brand new things but knowing that there is no road behind me. The eraser has scrubbed the past away and swept the crumbs off the paper of your life.
My only hope is in destination. Life seems to offer the rule that “no souvenirs can be carried on to the next destination.” The only baggage allowed is memories. My only recourse is to look forward to my arrival.
All good bus trips must come to an end. I only hope that all I dreamed of, hoped for, met and admired along the way, have really just been a big shopping spree of life that God took me on. Maybe all that I have loved and dreamed of will be at the finish line of my destination. Sounds pretty cool to me. This whole time life was a shopping spree and everything and everybody I touched ended up at my destination. Wow, it sounds crazy but you never know.
Life is to be lived and enjoyed. You can live it in reverse. I try to remind myself often.