My goal here is encourage!! Congratulations, You made it through the Holiday!! All holidays are not created equal and surely are not the same for everybody. This one, I just happen to spend the whole day by myself. Where do they do that at? I don’t even like me like that!! What a far cry from the magazine pics, post cards, memories and mental expectations. What happened? It just happened. Plans fell through, the game changed up and all I know is that from the time I woke up until the time I went to sleep, I was with me, myself and I. One was not talking, the other pissed off and me. Solo-Dolo was the play. I’m walking around like I adore solitude? Not so!! Walk with me….
My disclaimer is, I did have offers and I could have been in the company of others. I had a TDK 120 minute cassette of what I didn’t want, playing over and over and on both sides in my head. I didn’t want to be around people that I felt like “an orphan.” I didn’t want to have to wait until five in the evening to eat. I can’t wait that long. I didn’t want to be around folks that my presence would make them feel as though they couldn’t relax and party at the level that they desired. I didn’t want to watch the “after meal comedy” on the crowded couch with socks on, not laughing at cursing punch lines that we all know are truly funny.
Outside of my special, blessing and thanking God for food, I didn’t want to be “preferential treatment Rev!!”(First plate, best seat, cousin counselor or drunk Uncle relationship advisor.) I wanted to blend into the fabric of the holiday and not feel like it was a party in my honor and everybody wondering if I was gonna try the new P- Diddy Cranberry Ciroc!! I love that color. I didn’t want to sit up and pig out in a restricted outfit not conducive for the kind of eating that Thanksgiving deserves. I know what delicious food and desserts deserve!! My undivided attention!!
Now I know someone will say, “Well then it’s your fault and I would agree that it was my own decision. I battled with the memory of past celebrations and comparison of good times on these days. I said to myself, “You can’t compare, just enjoy and be thankful for the blessings too numerous to count on today.” I have to confess!! I swear I hate that lonely feeling though. It feels like acid in the pit of my stomach. It’s a nausea that overcomes you and it feels like nothing soothes it. Not liquor, not food and not Netflix. I heard. Take cookies and chili cheese corn chips off the list as well. Shouting UNO MAS!! to the bartender wouldn’t resolve it either. (I love saying that. I feel so culturally submerged, as I digress.) Actually I was gonna find a way to add it in this blog somehow!! Uno mas!!! It’s a dark place…
It’s a dark place and I’m asking myself, “How did I find myself in a place like this? Walking downtown by myself? Eating a pre-plated thirty-two dollar Thanksgiving meal with cold apple pie, in a hotel bar area? Not me, not Mr. Instagrammy!! If it wasn’t for the phone and being able to chat with loved ones and friends, I would have really been a mess.
What did you learn? What’s the lesson? There is always a lesson. Well here’s a few: 1. Go where you are celebrated not tolerated. 2. If you are going to be by yourself, at least look and smell good!! I did. 3. Have friends and family that don’t mind talking you down and through things. Thanks La’Sha!! 4. Prepare for the Holiday well in advance. 5. Wear clean socks with no holes. It’s hard to carry a weak paper plate full of delicious food, while trying to walk and keep the hole hidden in your sock. 6. Get small portions when fixing your plate. You don’t want to throw away a whole lump of Auntie Jane’s whatchamacallit casserole!! I know she seems sleep but she is watching.
Lastly and most importantly, Remember that GOD is the GOD OF DARK PLACES AS WELL. HE IS THE LIGHT IN DARKNESS!! There is no place that GOD can not easily arrive at and comfort you. In fact, HE WAS THERE ALL THE TIME!! This helped me tremendously yesterday. Oh yeah, you have to learn how to enjoy your own company. If you don’t like you, it’s impossible for us to. Congratulations to you that made it through the expectation of what Thanksgiving was suppose to be!!
I promise I love you,