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After a one month stay in the hospital with my son, he was finally released to go home. It was an extended stay of hospital food, a hard couch, and sleepless nights of beeping machines and consistent visits from the nurse’s staff. I have truly missed my own bed, shower, and food dearly. I feel as though a major price has been paid, and a sacrifice has been offered, to get out of this place. The good part is, I am departing the hospital with my healed child in tow.
We walked out with tears of joy and happiness. Every step away from that room was a monumental move towards my freedom and a return to a life as I once knew it. I was praising GOD down the hall, in the elevator, and out the front door. Instead of a long hospital stay, it felt more like an undeserved prison stay. I felt like I had been isolated from the outside world and was experiencing my first breath of fresh air in years.
You would think that I would be overjoyed, but for some reason, I was having reservations. A smile is all over my face, but inside of me, there is a strange feeling stirring. I cannot put my finger on it, but something is there, because I can feel it. I don’t want to throw off the party, so I keep it to myself, thinking that maybe something to eat will kill it. Then it hit me, I don’t want to go home. This is crazy, because I just left the hospital. Who wants to remain in the hospital two seconds beyond the time that the discharge papers are signed? It was true, I didn’t want to stay there, but at the same time, I didn’t want to go home. Every now then, you have to curse yourself out to get you back on track, so I did. You don’t need to hear that conversation. Sometimes we are granted what feels like outer body experiences, to allow us to see our own actions, as if we are not who we are. I watched me make an attempt to stay in Indianapolis an additional week. My plan horribly crashed and burned. My son didn’t want to stay, he wanted to go home. I was attempting to buy some time, to place a pause in my life. I needed time to stop and figure this out. In one day, the plan crashed, and we were on our way back home. No ticker tape parade, no party, no pomp and circumstance, just my son and I, our luggage, and some things we had accumulated during the extended stay in Club Fed. On one side of the car is a jovial gent mashing the gas pedal from the passenger side of the car, and on the driver’s side is me riding the brake the whole time. Still I couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to go home.
As we pulled into the parking lot, my son is super excited to see the old place. He is audibly pointing out all of the wonderful sights he hasn’t seen in such a long time. I, on the other hand, am reluctantly dragging all the heavy bags out of the car, with a “whoop dee doo” attitude.
Down the walkway, and up the stairs I go, bags in hand, while simultaneously saying, “Welcome Home Son! In goes the key, the door slides open, and at that very moment, It became absolutely apparent to me, what my reservation was. As soon as the door slides open, I hear the words, “Oh, you back!” I could hear the voice before I could see the person who said it. The room was dark, so I followed the familiar voice across the room to the couch, where I saw him sitting. The same spot this sorry dude was in when I left. Same old attitude, house coat, ran over house shoes, gym shorts,that he had on when I left. I looked around and I noticed, that the blinds that covered the patio door, were semi closed, and looked like a hellacious biker brawl had just ensued.
Here on the couch is the old me. I put the old me on pause and left him sitting here while I went to the hospital, two years ago. The old me that I hated and despised, the lazy me, the defeated me, the depressed and frustrated me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to leave the hospital, really, I just didn’t want to come back home to the old me. I was sick of toiling and fighting with the old me. You know, the other side of yourself.
Being away in Indianapolis and supporting my child, extended me a hallway pass out of the class of life. It temporarily excused me of the responsibility of facing the ugly side of me.
I understand why some people always pick up and champion the cause of others. It excuses them of dealing with themselves. It also reveals that we always have enough love for others to help them, but not enough love for ourselves to work on and face ourselves. It’s so much easier to help and encourage others, than it is to encourage ourselves. We sometimes believe more in others succeeding, than we do in ourselves. We must remember that, whatever part of your life you leave sitting unattended, will be there when you get back. It doesn’t go away just because you left it to do something else. Nor will it fix itself. Surprising to believers is that fact that, “Good deeds don’t dissolve your debt!!”
I really wanted time to simply regroup and assess what we had just come through. When traumatic events occur in your life, I think you have to stop and ask some questions. I wanted to come up with a game plan prior to getting back home. I wanted to be prepared, because I knew what was at home waiting for me.
I could not accomplish my goal in Indianapolis, so I took a week to unpack my things and do it at home. I served notice and evicted the old me out of my life. There is a new sheriff in town and he is kicking butt and taking names. Now I am rejuvenated and ready to take on the challenges of my expectations, goals, dreams, and desires.
I thank God for placing “pauses” in our lives. They offer us the chance to change directions, and sometimes start again. I thank GOD for this opportunity.
I am reminded that in the bible, Matthew 2:12 And being warned of God in a dream that they(the wise men) should not return to Herod, they departed into their own country another way.
The wise men went home another way. I was simply trying to go home, ANOTHER WAY!!
Pray for your boy!!
So I’ve read about 10 of these and this one was the one that reached inside of me. Your transparency opens you up to tell, yell, scream, love, die and awaken all in the same moments. You aren’t afraid to feel, and that’s huge for a man. Keep speaking, the wounded warriors are listening…..
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Thank you for sharing!!