Sitting here at lunch noticing a feeling that comes up every now and then called? Anxiety. I didn’t have that feeling before as much. Where did it come from? I sit and have a moment of reflection and come up with a point of reference. It was after Angelo left. What does it feel like? It’s when something happens and you compare how you use to handle things and what that looks like now. I always gravitate towards objects as aids in assisting me in explaining things.
I honestly asked myself the question, “Why do you feel it necessary to take the time and explain what you think life feels like after a loss?” Two reasons for sure leap up. It helps me understand me, it helps others identify their struggle and feel normal, and it helps those who have never experienced it understand and seek ways to help others.
What does it feel like? Here it goes. It feels like holding a bag of marbles, being bumped, and dropping the entire bag on the hard floor. The bag explodes and scatters the marbles in every direction. You recognize that the chance of collecting all of these marbles again into the same bag is almost impossible but you try frantically anyway. If by chance you do, the same said marbles will be tainted with lint and floor dirt. Have you ever tried to wipe off marbles? It’s crazy.
It’s not so much the bump and drop that gets to you because life happens to everybody. I think it’s the disoriented feeling of confusion that throws me. I hate being out of control. One moment you have the bag secured and the next, utter mayhem. I don’t have the wind to discuss those around you that just stand and watch the debacle play out with no intent on helping you collect your belongings. Again, it’s not the loss of marbles because most of us navigate life on a shortage anyway. We have not yet figured out how many marbles we start and finish with yet anyway. A few screws missing? A few marbles missing and the bag is lacking!!
I just want to ask for your patience in allowing those whose marbles have scattered, time to collect them and if by chance you witness this happen, at least kick my things mt way. I’ll pick’em up myself.
Be patient!! Things don’t go back together as quickly as they come part.
I got 99 marbles and this ain’t one. People bring you marbles that don’t belong to you. Like the shepherd knows his sheep, you should know which marbles belong to you. Don’t take no wooden nickels? Don’t take any dirty marbles either? Man what are you saying? When some folks find your bag busted, they will attempt to take advantage of you and give you things that don’t belong to you. What you don’t need is any addictive outlets and behaviors. One day it will come together I promise!!
Note to self: Dropping your bag of marbles never meant I lost my marbles!!! Old African whatever: Be careful what you say about he whose bag is scattered. We all are one bump away from losing it!!!
I love you!!